the 14 Day Guide to a Perfect Dad Bod
It's been said that culture is cyclical, and maybe the ideal body shape from a few hundred years ago is making a comeback, think of the wealthy land-owner, who fills his spare time with eating, drinking and living his life free of the fears of starvation and hard-work.
Fast forward a few centuries, and we meet the modern equivalent - The Dad Bod.
Now this is not to say that guys who have mastered the Dad Bod physique are out of shape, the Dad lifestyle is a trying one. Luckily - we've polled the dad-liest dads that we know, and have devised this simple 14 day guide to get your Dad Bod back on track for Father's Day
DAY 1: Grab a gym membership.
Any gym works for this. When they give you the tour of the place, be sure to soak in all the details about the gym. This is the last time you'll be in there.
DAY 2 : Begin to train your mind
This one is meant to keep you in the Dad mindset. Set your alarm to wake you up every 55-60 minutes during the night. The key here is to get your body to confuse hunger and sleep deprivation. Reward yourself in the morning with 2-3 breakfast burritos.
DAY 3: Morning Routines
Begin your day by having a child or small adult punch you in the groin. (If you're still asleep when this happens, all the better). Afterwards, do one push up, breathe heavily and have another burrito.
DAY 4: Getting in the zone
Look at yourself in the mirror while recalling that how you look has zero to do with your chances of getting lucky today, and that this is true every day forever after.
DAY 5: Rest Day
This is a good time to work on your couch imprint. By the 14th day, you should be able to see a clearly-defined imprint of your body on the couch
DAY 6: Zoo Trip
Learn to fear the phrase: "Up Daddy, up". Carry either a two-year-old, or a large bag of flour around the zoo for 4 hours, even after the arm has lost all feeling.
DAY 7: Halfway there!
This is another mental day. Look up the average college tuition in your area. Multiply by the amount of kids that you plan to have. Then, instead of completely breaking down - have a late-night burrito and a beer.
DAY 8: Grilling technique
This is more about appearances than skill. Pick up some white New Balance sneakers (bonus points for grass stains!) and cargo shorts. Stand by the grill and talk to anyone who comes close about how you plan to really seal the juices into the meat.
DAY 9: Street Hockey
Challenge the neighborhood kids to a game of basketball or street hockey. Immediately injure your whole body and spend the time in the hospital catching up on sleep.
DAY 10: Humour
Spend the day learning a few good Dad Jokes. Puns are best, but anything that makes the listener groan or roll their eyes is just as well.
DAY 11: Cardio
Chase a balloon across the parking lot of a Toys“R”Us at a “death struggle” level of intensity. Return it to the birthday girl, and wait until she smiles at you and says, “Thank you, Daddy,” before you throw up in the bushes.
DAY 12: Learning to research
Spend the entire day locked away in your office researching a new DVD Player for the family. Be sure to spend the majority of your time reading forums and reviews. Don't forget to let your family in on the wealth of new DVD Player knowledge that you have amassed. End the day by not choosing a DVD Player. Repeat this process weekly, or until a new product catches your eye.
Day 13: Get your uniform
This is a big day in any Dad's journey. Go to the nearest Walmart or Target and pick out a bright golf shirt, sports sunglasses and khakis (or cargo shorts, depending on the season) This will be your Dad uniform, wear it proudly. (Bonus points if you kept those white NB sneakers to pull the whole outfit together.)
Day 14: Celebration
This is it. The day for celebration has arrived. You've completed the arduous road to the sacred garden of Dad Bod. Give yourself a pat on the back and have another burrito.